i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
