im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
