Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
