This dress was meant to end up on your floor
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
