I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
