I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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