I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
