one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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