I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
