I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
