goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
