He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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