Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
