The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
