Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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