I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
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