Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
