he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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