So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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