I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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