this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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