I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
