what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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