Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
