party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
