I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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