I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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