im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
