Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
