I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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