i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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