im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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