i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
