When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
