did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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