zippers are such a cool invention
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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