He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
