Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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