i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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