What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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