New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he shaved USA in his pubs
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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