Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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