Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
