And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
