She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
