I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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