Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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