I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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