The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
