bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
